I venture into the dressing room to try on a suit. Why not just buy it and try it on at home? the voice in my head begs of me. Because I am stubborn and apparently a glutton for punishment. I slip on the swimsuit and admire it under those horrible dressing-room lights. My leg hair runs rampant, and I haven’t done crunches in weeks. What was I thinking? I’ve had the past nine months to prepare for swimsuit-shopping season. I knew it was coming. I mean, I’ve been bombarded with images of tan, lean, bathing-suit-clad bodies since right after New Year’s, serving as a reminder that I need to join a gym and that I was born into a mutant alien race of women who have butts, hips and thighs.

But before I allow myself to go down that slippery and dangerous slope of body loathing, I decide to do something quite out of the ordinary. I decide to smile and laugh at this ridiculous situation. I know there is no such thing as a perfect body or a perfect swimsuit. The laughing allows me to breathe, and the breath is a welcome distraction from my destructive thoughts.
Since my life’s work is focused on helping women create inner style through taking action in life, I decide that these lessons can also apply to swimsuit shopping. So, I make an action plan.

#1: Get a reality check! You know what your body really looks like. Be honest with yourself before you shop. You haven’t grown 10 inches or morphed into Gisele. So take it easy on yourself and get real about what you have to work with.

#2: Get some self-tanner and use it! Do a little tanning before you try on a swimsuit. It will help deflect some of that ungodly fluorescent lighting. And it is a proven fact: We feel better when we’re tan.

#3: Get some perspective and gratitude! The truth is, no one is really looking at you anyway — they’re all thinking about their own bodies! Just be grateful for the beautiful outdoor opportunities you have with your family and friends — and enjoy.
Following these three steps has helped me stay sane in the swimsuit-shopping pressure cooker. Try them and tell me what you think!
PS I’m still planning a painful and public humiliation for the man (couldn’t be a woman) who designs the lighting in dressing rooms… but that’s another article.

I could feel my tummy rumbling. The banana smoothie I’d gulped down for breakfast wasn’t cutting it, as my boyfriend, Andy, and I hit the six-hour mark on our road trip to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving dinner. I had vowed to eat light that morning so there’d be tons of room in my belly for Andy’s mother’s scrumptious cooking. She lived for the holidays and was famous for baking pies that were so good they brought tears to your eyes.

We pulled into the driveway just as I started having erotic food fantasies about her delicious stuffed mushrooms and spicy apple stuffing. Andy could have gotten down on one knee and proposed to me at that moment, and I’d still be salivating over the thought of cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. As we pushed open the front door, however, we weren’t greeted by the aroma of a juicy bird roasting in the oven. In fact, we didn’t smell anything cooking at all. And we found Andy’s mother, Linda, sitting in her living room — knitting. “Mom, what’s going on?” he asked. “Is the bird already done?” To which Linda replied: “Oh, sweetie, Tofurky doesn’t take long to cook.”

I’m sorry, did someone just say “Tofurky”?

Yes, Linda had nixed her usual traditional menu for a new holiday diet. She had become a vegan just in time for Thanksgiving: not for animal well-being or environmental reasons, but because she’d heard that a diet free of animal products would help her lose inches fast. Linda wasn’t a woman who looked like she needed to mind her weight, but her weight was always on her mind. I knew she was a chronic dieter and had tried everything from the grapefruit diet to the cabbage-soup diet, so I didn’t question her reasons for wanting to drop pounds. I just crossed my fingers and hoped that vegans ate pie.

As we sat down at the table, I surveyed the spread. Linda had replaced turkey with a soy product called Tofurky, which looked about as appetizing as cardboard. She had also swapped green-bean casserole for barely steamed broccoli, and —could it be?— her famous make-you-cry pies had been replaced with gently sliced pieces of fruit. I felt as though my erotic food fantasies had been taken hostage by a crazy dieting maniac.

I smothered my Tofurky in gravy as Linda reminisced about the good old days of stuffing, turkey and buttery mashed potatoes and recounted the fattening and delicious recipes she’d put away for her menu makeover. We were eating in a food flashback. There was no joy at the table, just fat talk about how much weight Linda hoped to lose during the holidays, how hard it was to say no to the sugar-laden cookies that her coworkers brought to the office, and how she couldn’t help but listen to all the seasonal TV ads that insisted she eat, drink and get skinny.

She had a point. It takes guts not to get sucked into body bashing during the holidays, whether it’s from coworkers, infomercials or the voice in your own head. Swallowing a forkful of broccoli, I thought about all the weight-loss ads I’d seen that encouraged women to lose those last 10 pounds during the party season. I had certainly been on my own share of bizarre, restrictive holiday diets. Cutting back on calories seemed like the perfect way to control the lethal combination of family dynamics and food. Instead of engaging in togetherness, celebration and gratitude, I could focus on the food, the fat and the weight. Talking about carbs and calories seemed much easier than discussing the loss of a loved one or the anticipation of a career change.

My thoughts were interrupted when Andy asked me to pass the Tofurky. I couldn’t help but giggle. He really seemed to be enjoying it. As I picked at the last bits of broccoli on my plate, I tried to put a stop to all the calorie confessing and fat talk going around the table. I asked Linda how she was feeling. I knew that the holidays brought back memories of losing her dad. In the past, she’d channeled those feelings into baking pies and eating comfort foods until the feelings subsided. This year, she seemed to be holding back and restricting her emotions, trying desperately to starve them away — all under the guise of being “healthy.”

As we went on to talk about missing the people we love and loving the people we have in front of us, I felt compassion for the complexity that women face in weaving together all the parts of our lives: from family, career and friendship to body, weight and food. We can think of the holidays as a season of diet stress and bulging bellies, or we can choose to look beyond the food and into the fun of the holiday season as we see our old friends and family, celebrate our achievements and overcome hard times.

At the end of the meal, Andy, being the sweet guy he is, got up from the table to give his mom a hug. “Mom, the vegan pilgrims would be proud,” he said. We all laughed. And in that laughter, we forgot we had just eaten Tofurky.

1. Prepare for pushed buttons. Parents know how to push our buttons best because they installed them. If you’re heading home to see your family, odds are Mom and Dad won’t treat you as the capable woman you are today — in their eyes, you’re still 12. So be prepared for the family label game: Are you the fat one, the baby, the divorcée? Guard yourself against ruffled feathers and hurt feelings by doing some emotional prepping before your visit. And put your best friend’s number on speed dial, just in case!

2. Eat! Restriction is a common coping tool during the holidays — and a surefire way to put you in a bad mood. No one likes a starving holiday grump, so don’t be one! Make sure to eat frequent, regular-size meals every day. You’ll not only feel nourished and energized, but you’ll also be happier and more fun to be around.

3. Don’t stuff your feelings with food. Is your mother-in-law getting on your nerves? Shoveling mashed potatoes down your throat won’t get her to shut up; it’ll just give you a stomachache. There are emotional and physical triggers all around us this time of year, and they can cause us to chow down on comfort foods even when we’re not hungry. Don’t get caught up in the holiday emotional-eating trap. Listen to your hunger and give yourself a resting point when you feel full.

4. No “fat talk” at the table. We’ve all spoken the “language of fat” at some point or another. Whether it’s the number of calories in your holiday soufflé or the size of Aunt Edna’s expanding thighs, fat talk is self-defeating and full of guilt, blame and shame. Instead of focusing on fat grams, calories and carbs and debasing your body in front of others, talk about how delicious the spread looks or how great it is to have some downtime with your folks. Face it: No one wants to hear about how fat you’ll be after you polish off the dessert plate.

5. Go on a media diet. This is one extreme diet I actually recommend! The media bombard us with holiday diet angst and mixed messages and make us think our body is inevitably doomed to balloon out and bulk up. So be careful about the information you consume during this time of year. It has yet to be put to the test, but I have a hunch that prolonged exposure to airbrushed photos of celebrities in bathing suits touting weight loss tips is cause for mass anxiety and depression during the holiday season.

I am honored to introduce you to our Team Jess members. They are incredibly inspirational and passionate about helping you define, discover, and develop your Inner and outer style! Feel free to reach out to them directly and browse their books and products in our shop section.

You may have times in your life that you need to rely on the strengths of others in order to help you find that strength within yourself. Each of the Team Jess members offers strength to those around them in special unique ways.

Whether it is beauty tips to help you feel good about your outer style, a reminder to not take life so seriously, figuring out a way to connect with another family member or friend, or simply some resources to help us broach a serious topic, know that you are not alone in this! As you walk on your path of self-discovery into defining your Inner Style™, you have a built-in support system here at Jess.

So please spend some time getting acquainted with our team and who knows, you may just find some tools or tips you didn’t even know you were in need of.
Stay tuned…more Team Jess members are coming soon!

Are you torn between:

• Having a babysitter and being a babysitter?
• Wanting a bra and wearing one?
• The girl’s dept. and the junior’s dept.?
• Hanging out with your parents and pretending you don’t know your parents?
• Thinking boys/girls are gross and thinking boys/girls are hot?
• Junior high school and high school?
• Being a girl and being a woman?

Well the good news is: you are not alone!! I remember exactly what it felt like to be riding a roller coaster of emotions about growing up being a girl in the world.

And this page is dedicated to inspiring, supporting, and celebrating you!

A special message from Jess:

Ok, it’s no secret that I wasn’t happy as a kid. I even wrote a book about it. When I was 11, I went on my first diet and then the rest of my teen years were spent hating my body, my life, my clothes, my hair, everything!! I struggled with low self-esteem and major body loathing. But if you would have asked me what I wanted when I was a kid, I would have said, “I just want to be happy!”

Yet, I thought happiness was all about how much I weighed, how many people liked me, and how many awards I had won. Happiness always felt like something that lived outside of me.  Something that would be coming someday…not something I could create today!

Happiness is not just the size you wear or what you own – it is who you are, how you handle relationships, and the way you help others. It is about self-image, self-esteem, and self-empowerment. But how do you get those things?? Well, we are going to be exploring together ways to raise your self-esteem, tackle your daily dilemmas, and focus on being the extraordinary and unique girl you are!

Part of what really helped me get out of a dark spot in my life was keeping a journal. What I love about journals is that they get to keep secret your very own private thoughts and feelings. Over the past 10 years, I have collected stories, ideas, tips, and tools that have helped me find happiness in being a Real Girl.

I still actively use all of these tools every day! So, I am going to share with you my (super secret) steps to get happy and stay happy in your life. Well, I guess if I am sharing them with you they aren’t so secret after all!

So if you’d like, grab a journal and try
doing this exercise:

Change Your Language/Change Your Life

How many times during the day do you call yourself “stupid”, “dumb”, “lazy”, “ugly”, or “fat”? Girls can be cruel to other girls but most times WE are our OWN worst enemies. So for 7 days (that’s one whole week) I want you write down in your journal a list of the negative words you call yourself during the day. Don’t write down what your brother called you when he was picking on you or what your sister said to you when you were fighting. I want you to write down all the nasty thoughts you have about yourself during the day. Get them out and on paper in this journal.

And then go back and see if you can write down what was going on for you when you were saying those negative things. Were you most harsh on yourself in the morning before you got dressed? Right before a test? After you saw your crush? While fighting with your best friend? Try to uncover what events or experiences might trigger this nasty BLOG.

Take your time, do this for 7 days and then check back for the next step. We are going to begin replacing that destructive language with some more positive and pro-active language. You will be amazed to see just how much of an impact words can have on your self image and self esteem.

Write to me at info@jessweiner.com and tell me how this exercise goes. We’ll share some of your comments with other Real Girls, too!